Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Procrastination setting in!


So here I am doing what I do best when I am procrastinating... yep, why is it so easy to find a million "just have to do this first" things before getting started on the tidious stuff that lie ahead of us everyday! Alfred's playing at Måns house today... and the twins are down for their morning nap I am literaly drowing in house hold chorse and here I sit glued infront of the computer... having that conversation in my head" okay time to get started.... okay get started now... okay just stand up and go to the kitchen and start unloading the dishwasher... okay now, what if I put on some music, could be fun..... okay maybe go up and put the tea on... it's in the kitchen, it will get my body there at least... nope not falling for that one.... okay we gotta get going here.... uhhhh! Just a glimpse into my own crazy! Okay now I'm really going!

Friday, 8 October 2010

Walking the highwire of Love


We had book club last night, and once again, I started off not liking the book, and then we started talking about it and these girls got me to see different layers and I found myself actually saying, "yah, I would definately re-read this." Forget infomercials... these girls could sell sand to a nomad!

But isn't that great, in a way how perspectives can change? The book this month was called "Let the big world Spin" a book of short stories about different strangers that were somehow all intertwined... and I sat there at book club and I realized, just like this book, everyone sitting around this table has a main connection to me and yet random connections to each other. Suddenly, I wanted to drop the book and talk about that, isn't it true how life is sometimes stranger than fiction and life is sometimes more interesting than some of the greatest stories. Which got me thinking "what's my story?" How do people tell it... oh the girl that went off to Sweden, married a Swede, had twins...

I recently re-connected with a high school friend via facebook, the last time we saw each other was the summer after graduation, and I had literaly not heard from or about her since then. And suddenly, there she was, sending a "friend request", the first thing I do is have a quick look at her photos, trying to figure out who is who, then the email alert comes on.... it's a few lines from her with the bare details, I quicky respond...... and here it is.... my email, my story, in just a few lines.... How do I introduce myself? What am I? Check correct box kind of thing.... female, immigrant.... mother... of 3..... twins... teacher.....maternitiy leave.....
But what really is my story? How would I tell it or want it to be told? Is it the greatest love story?... or is it... who cares about that and who wants to hear about Julia living in Sweden, married with children... I mean really?

For me, it was the high wire of love! Twently years old, and not even a glimmer of what lie ahead. I had just settled into my new apartment, in the dorms, I had 3 roommates and there was definatley that nervous energy in the air, exciting, fresh, expectant, like anything could happen, this" je ne sais quoi" that seems to bubble out of youth!

The ironic thing is, although we all felt it in our youth, no one wanted to show it back then. The difference is now, when we are older and find ourselves in one of these moments, someone always has to comment with a "wow this is great", "this is what life is all about" and the reply is "yah your right"...nod and smile...reflect. Can you imagine saying that to a room of 20 year olds who are just hanging out?.... the immediate response would be "yah sure, you don't get out much do you?"- I mean why was enthusiasm so uncool back then,.... it's so refreshing now!.... I guess we can take that as a sure sign of getting older!

So even though just hanging out playing cards with a bunch of "new friends" could of made any long day feel like a hickup in time, you had to pretend that you were only mildly impressed and quite board actually, I mean that was the only cool thing to do. So there we sat, Mats and I playing cards, a few others that only had bit parts in my life that year, and then there was a knock at the door. My room mate Anna says "Oh that's probably Henrik, he's another Swedish exchange student" I was of course single and always in the market for potentials... so my immediate thought was.... "what another Swede?, I thought Mats, Johan and Martin where the other Swedish exchange students.... are you telling me their is another one?,,, the lost Swede?!" And then it happened, she opened the door, I saw him, and from that moment life would never be the same, it was like the movies... full on.... stars, birds, slow motion, que theme music....what have you... but suddenly, I was on that tightrope.... high above the city trying to make it from A-B so exciting but terrifying, and I knew right then at that moment, if he would let me I would follow him to our life's end.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Jetlagged!

Well, I got home over two weeks ago, but my body wouldn't know that! I can't seem to get over this jetlag, and I am at my witts end! But today is another day a fight against the clock! I've had 3 and a half hours of sleep and I have to get the boys up and ready in an hour or so!
Going home was great, it was like a great seires it had a bit of everything, just like everytime family gets together, but the only difference was that I had the right perspective. I mean I just tried to savor every moment of it, and it made such a difference. Can you imagine if you could do that with life? How wonderful it would be right!
Well, I really do want to sit here and write something profound but it's much to early for that and I'm much too jetlagged to even try! I just want to say I'm glad to be back I missed my boys madly, but there hasn't been a day since getting back that I don't stop for a second, and smile remembering that trip!

Saturday, 4 September 2010

What's your sign today?


September, is here and my flight awaits, the list of things to do, pack, and check off are too long to count, but they are all swimming around in my head! I've finally gotten rid of my guilty coffee and decided that, since it is only a week until I leave, I am going to savor the moments with my boys. Today, I had a great day, Robin came round for lunch, and as always we had a good laugh, and I see how the boys are so comfortable with her, they are going to get on great, infact she is going to spoil them, get them use to the good life... I mean come on, matching clothes, clean faces, seprate spoons, how will they ever be able to go back!

No, but in all honesty, thank you so much to eveyone that has read this blog and told me what I needed to hear, " you are not a bad mother for taking this trip on your own" I needed to hear it again and again, and finally it sunk in, and you know how I know? Well let me share.

Today, we were in the park and I was introduced to a friend of a friend and in the conversation that continued the Canada trip came up and as I have encountered in the past the reaction was "by yourself, won't that be hard"? And I got all Jersey in my head like "oah no you dident!"

You know how we women are, we read into things, not always what is said, but how it's said or what they didn't say, or what they should of said first. Well, at that moment I went into my freudian defensive speil saying how ohhh well if Henke were to go away on a course for 10 days no one would even comment on it. And then my friend "Miss P" said "it's okay to want to go, and enjoy yourself!", and suddenly it was like all of the support I've gotten from all of the beautiful women in my life, came together and I floated away! There I was off on my tandom...yadda yadda yadda, and it hit me....

If someone truly wouldn't want to do what I am about to do, especially a stranger, then the easiest thing to say would be,,, wow how fun and nice for you to get to see your family, hope you get nice weather! (sorry couldn't help to get that weather joke in, if you've read the blog you know what I'm referring to) This is so because it leaves them not wanting for anything right, but maybe they would like to be able to have 10 days of alone time, but they too, are drinking that guilty coffee, just like me, and their initial reaction is coming from their own issues and really they are voicing their own inner monolog without even knowing it. I might be way off, maybe that mom was truly concerned that I was going to have a terrible time away from my kids, and just thought she would warn me, because God knows I haven't even given it a thought right!

Then, tonight my cousin Chelsea posted an awsome video on facebook where they photographed mothers holding a sign, and on the sign was their answer to the question... "what would you tell yourself if you could go back just before having your first child."Many of the signs brought tears to my eyes, but one was so fitting for this blog it said "It's okay to want a break".... now I just want to write a sign saying I'm taking a break, I'll be back!

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Guilty coffee


So yes I am so looking forward to making the trip back home to see everyone, but I must admit, I feel as though I have the weight of a thousand stones on my shoulders, because we still haven't worked out who is going to watch the kids. Initially, Henrik was going to take holidays and paternity days to stay home with them when I booked the ticket! Two weeks later he had started his own company, well I guess you could say we had, since I was very much part of the decision to do so, and now everything changes! What am I going to do? Every morning I drink my coffee while the kids eat their breakfast smiling and grining at me and it's as with each sip the guilt is rising from the pit of my stomach to the top of my eyelids, until they are almost brimming with tears.
Henrik insists that he is going to work it out between his mom and some friends our ours but I can't help it, I'm riddled with it.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Who says you can't go home!


This time it's my cousin Jenna's wedding that gave me the goods to talk Henrik into letting me go, not so much the me going part, but the me leaving him with all the kids. Did I mention the twins are mobile now!

Well maybe you can't truly go "home" but an 11 day stunt in Toronto and Ottawa with family is pretty close. I can't wait but at the same time I worry about the kids, Alfred heard that I was going to Canada without him on the plane and he started to cry immediately and then just as fast the tears stopped when I promised to buy him the buzz light year plastic wing set! His part of the conversation went like this.... " I don't want you to go.... I reply "but mummy can bring you back a present from Canada" and then he said "okay, can you get me the buzz wings mom, don't forget, write it down so you don't forget. Do you want me to get you a paper so you can write it down?"

Well to be honest I didn't offer him the present first, I told him..." I'm going to see Gammie and we are staying in a hotel and there are no other kids or toys or tv's there, it's better you stay with papa"... to which he responded... uhhhh mom you don't want to go, then all you will have to do is sit and talk, talk, talk,.... that's so boring" I digress from this topic, it's clear he is his father's son.

So fitting for the title of this blog memories of our youth, some of them I record now as they happen and others surface from the past, but really these 11 days with my family will be a true trip home not just to Canada but to the stories and memories of my youth. My grandmother Mary was the best storyteller I have ever met, and I can still see her sitting at the kitchen table telling the best stories. It didn't matter that we had heard them a thousand times, you still enjoyed them as much as you did the first time you heard it. That's what I miss, what I crave, this reconnection to where I come from, my cousin has booked us into a rejuvenation water treatment spa, it's all the rage in Toronto... anyway this trip is the rejuvenation I need for my soul.

Yes my family is loud, and louder, with lots of drama, and hamlet moments, but on the other hand they love with their whole hearts, and their hearts are the biggest on this planet. I've been the odd one out for so long now, the weird Canadian that talks to much and lives with her emotions at her fingertips, I alway say the wrong thing, especially when I'm nervous or in uncomfortable silences, and I can never hide what I'm thinking or feeling, it's written all over my face. And sometimes, when I am quiet, it's as if I am saying the most.. how about that for irony. So yes, eleven days to disappear in the beautiful chaos that I was brought up in, everyone is talking and everyone has an opinion and we never never never discuss the weather!

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Pirates of Blekinge


Alfred was invited to a friends birthday party this Sunday and everyone is to dress up as pirates! So now I am going to finally dig into my box of material scraps and make some costumes for the gang! We're watching Pipi sails the Seven Seas for inspiration right now. Hopefully my talents will be able to match his vision, when he was only 2 we went to a pirate concert but I got away with using a pre-fab HM shirt! - This is a photo from the summer 08.