Circle of friends

Book club for me this Thursday opened my eyes to something so important, profound and humbling that I haven't been able to let it go. We, otherwise know as "readers without boarders-karlskrona chapter", got together at Maria's around a table of small feasts. From the time we came in through the door, the atmosphere was like, curling up as a child on the soffa after a wonderful time in the snow. That's how I describe that warm and fuzzy feeling I got, I imagine it's different for others, but growing up in Sault Ste. Marie, where temperatures were often in the -40, this is what I cling to when I think of cosy.
Right now sitting here, I recall a glow around the room where we all sat, huddled around that table, it was the glow of friendship, but mostly, I think, and I may be speaking out of turn, it was the glow of true gratefulness. The greatfulness, that we had found each other, and started something that from the begining had exceeded our expectiations. What was to be a book club, had somehow transformed into something we were all thristing for, an intimacy with other women that is only portrayed in great films and books, but rarely experienced and here we are in the midst of it, scared probably to even acknowleged it in fears that it will disappear. It may disappear, but I have experienced it and what it opened my eyes to was this.
As we sat around talking sharing happy, sad, remosful, funny and joyful stories, I remembered one Christmas Eve where I was particually low, it was before the kids were born and I was brought to tears...just then Lydia interjects and says "I remember this you came round to me and spent Christmas day at my place." Being half way through my story I didn't relfect on what she said until later that night and kept coming back to it all day. When I think back to the tough times, so many of these strong, beautiful, intelligent, empathic women have been there for me. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with remorse, for not letting them know what they mean to me or have done for me. The word friend is thrown around so much, but truly how blessed can a person be, these friends I have are amazing,,, I want to name drop them like someone on a red carpet trying to sneak into an event. Thank you girls and those of you who are not in the book club that have always been there for me Thank you. As the proverb goes... shared sorrow is half and shared joy is doubled!

25 random things...

I was surfing on my iphone, yes I love to say that "my iphone", does name dropping count when it's a object instead of a person? It's just I've never had cool electronics, when everyone had flip phones I had a brick that was one step away from having a huge antenna poking out the top. Anyway I was surfing, like I said on my Iphone4, oh did I mention it was a 4... and I came across this list of random things I wrote down about myself... not so interesting but neither is this blog, so what the heck here it is! I wrote it two years ago just before Henrik and I took a mini break to London sans the one kid that we had at the time. We stayed in a so called posh expensive hotel that was the worst... warning stay away from the Paddington Hilton... it had no hot water and they just ignored us when we called to complain everyday for four days! I mean come on, London is grimmy enough without being able to shower... so here they are with no further ado!

1. I love to watch cooking shows, and as a child when I use to make pancakes I would pretend I was making them in front of a live audience instructing them not to flip them until the tiny bubbles had popped and stayed open.

2. I'm only an early bird when I don't have to get up.

3. My face book is getting full with my students and it's making me feel old.

4. If I was to work in a retail store, it would have to be a stationary store, I think I would be undoubtedly their most devoted employee I would never want to leave! Can't get enough of them, there is a store in Sweden called "Everything in Order" Ordning och reda and I get goose bumps in there.

5. Try introducing Baking Soda to a Swede,,,,, they ask what do you do with it..... you answer well you can bake cookies with it, brush your teeth with it, clean your tub and sink with it, deodorize your fridge and get rid of onion smells, you can put it on the carpet before you vacuumed, and then it hits you wow Baking Soda doesn't sound like something you'd want to ingest!

6. Sometimes when I am stressed I think wow people in jail must have it pretty good, I mean you get 3 squares a day, get to go out in the yard for some fresh air, get to lay about in a cell and just read, no phone calls, screaming kids, bills to pay, grocery shopping to do.... man maybe we should look into weekend jail retreats for stressed out teachers!

7. If I would open a Disney World Attraction, it would be a trip to any decade you wanted, like the 50's, so you show up and you enter the gates and you would spend a week like the Clevers! I think I'd pick the 70's though eat fondue and listen to the Be gees and watch Saturday Night Fever.

8. Morning coffee in bed is close to Heaven on Earth if you ask me.

9. I don't understand people who choose to spend money on expensive "sitting room" furniture that only gets used twice a year and sleep in uncomfortable beds with scratchy sheets, and foam jobber pillows. Come on people, it's all about the comfortable bed, and there should be tons of pillows!

10. I love vegans more meat and dairy for the rest of us!

11. Why do they even bother making seats in economy that recline,,,, oh yah the half a cm really did it for me thanks Air Canada!

12. I hate people who see that you are trying to change lanes and then they suddenly speed up and pretend that they don't see you beside them.... they are looking out of their front window as if they were using their superman vision to keep a bridge up ahead from collapsing.

13. I have flown more than once on Friday the 13th and the plane both times was full, I guess the good old days of beating the line ups due to superstitions are gone for good.

14. I hate getting my photo taken that's why I'm always the photographer.

15. For the first time in my life I am reading 5 books at the same time, it is so weird, I use to be all ocd about reading if I started a book, I had to finish it no matter how bad it was, and I couldn't start a new one until I finished the current one.

16.I secretly love\hate Martha Stewart. So I watch her show, but I just love, love , love it when I guest makes fun of her or makes a joke, cause she never gets it!, or when they correct her or even worse disobey her and her crazy controlling nature takes over and you can see it her eyes that she just wants to run them down with her car!

17. Wow how many of these do I have to write, I thought 25 random things would be easy for someone like me.

18. I try to laugh at myself when I trip even in no one sees me!

19. If I was ever in the Olympics I would like to be the last place guy! The guy who they know is going to come last unless someone gets injured half way through the event. Why you might ask!, well you wouldn't have to take the training thing too seriously, you could actually enjoy the events and other athletes, and then you'd still have the cool Olympic gear with out all the worry, pressure and stress.

20. What event would I do well in, it would have to be board games that do not involve skill.

21. If I could be a judge on a reality show it would be first: Top Chef, come on they get paid to eat! then Project Runway just so Tim Gunn could expand my vocabulary, and lastly I hate to admit this but yes America's next top model.- no comment on why!

22. I can't wait until Alfred is older and when he complains, I can say,,,, well yah when I was a kid we didn't even have a remote control for our TV, plus you had to use the needle nose pliers to change the channel because the Dial broke off.

23. I only crave A&W root beer when I'm in Maple Ridge. in the frosty mug of course. I worked there for 2 weeks and I hated it! The uniforms were 100% poly! uhhhh

24. When I am home alone I eat cereal out of a mixing bowel,, okay I am telling a lie, I do it in front of Henrik too, Heck if you come to my house I'll pour you one too, infont of the TV.

25. Sleep is always the best medicine, that and nightquil extra strength, a few too many bottles of that in my house and I'd turn into a self medicating 50's wife, thank God it's not sold in Sweden. I have to rely on friends and family to hook me up.

One year!

So much can happen, has happened in one year, our little boys turned one on Tuesday, and I kept refecting on what we were about to embark on, exactly one year ago. Sometimes, I stop and think.... did it all really happen? Did we actually have twins? When I tell people I have twins, it feels like I am talking about someone else... and yet I can't imagine life without them. So if I think about what has changed, besides being 23kg lighter, I realize that I am a different person, well, for one thing I have much less free time, and that makes me want to be better at spending it.
I started running about 3 weeks ago, first for the obvious reasons, the ones that initially get me into the gym to buy the expensive membership that I end up never using... which is to lose weight. But now for the first time, I am enjoying the freedom of it, the time I have just to myself when I am out jogging; to go though all the cobwebs of my brain. Suddenly, I want to push myself, just to see if I can do it. I decided to run a 10km race the day after I turn 35, only time will tell if I can follow through. I just got to keep telling myself, it can't be worse that giving birth to twins without an epidural! Talk about a work out... I mean that was a good day on the scales my friend, from the time I was admitted into labour and delivery until the next day I had lost 18 kilos with those two! How do you like them apples?

Procrastination setting in!

So here I am doing what I do best when I am procrastinating... yep, why is it so easy to find a million "just have to do this first" things before getting started on the tidious stuff that lie ahead of us everyday! Alfred's playing at Måns house today... and the twins are down for their morning nap I am literaly drowing in house hold chorse and here I sit glued infront of the computer... having that conversation in my head" okay time to get started.... okay get started now... okay just stand up and go to the kitchen and start unloading the dishwasher... okay now, what if I put on some music, could be fun..... okay maybe go up and put the tea on... it's in the kitchen, it will get my body there at least... nope not falling for that one.... okay we gotta get going here.... uhhhh! Just a glimpse into my own crazy! Okay now I'm really going!

Walking the highwire of Love

We had book club last night, and once again, I started off not liking the book, and then we started talking about it and these girls got me to see different layers and I found myself actually saying, "yah, I would definately re-read this." Forget infomercials... these girls could sell sand to a nomad!

But isn't that great, in a way how perspectives can change? The book this month was called "Let the big world Spin" a book of short stories about different strangers that were somehow all intertwined... and I sat there at book club and I realized, just like this book, everyone sitting around this table has a main connection to me and yet random connections to each other. Suddenly, I wanted to drop the book and talk about that, isn't it true how life is sometimes stranger than fiction and life is sometimes more interesting than some of the greatest stories. Which got me thinking "what's my story?" How do people tell it... oh the girl that went off to Sweden, married a Swede, had twins...

I recently re-connected with a high school friend via facebook, the last time we saw each other was the summer after graduation, and I had literaly not heard from or about her since then. And suddenly, there she was, sending a "friend request", the first thing I do is have a quick look at her photos, trying to figure out who is who, then the email alert comes on.... it's a few lines from her with the bare details, I quicky respond...... and here it is.... my email, my story, in just a few lines.... How do I introduce myself? What am I? Check correct box kind of thing.... female, immigrant.... mother... of 3..... twins... teacher.....maternitiy leave.....
But what really is my story? How would I tell it or want it to be told? Is it the greatest love story?... or is it... who cares about that and who wants to hear about Julia living in Sweden, married with children... I mean really?

For me, it was the high wire of love! Twently years old, and not even a glimmer of what lie ahead. I had just settled into my new apartment, in the dorms, I had 3 roommates and there was definatley that nervous energy in the air, exciting, fresh, expectant, like anything could happen, this" je ne sais quoi" that seems to bubble out of youth!

The ironic thing is, although we all felt it in our youth, no one wanted to show it back then. The difference is now, when we are older and find ourselves in one of these moments, someone always has to comment with a "wow this is great", "this is what life is all about" and the reply is "yah your right"...nod and smile...reflect. Can you imagine saying that to a room of 20 year olds who are just hanging out?.... the immediate response would be "yah sure, you don't get out much do you?"- I mean why was enthusiasm so uncool back then,.... it's so refreshing now!.... I guess we can take that as a sure sign of getting older!

So even though just hanging out playing cards with a bunch of "new friends" could of made any long day feel like a hickup in time, you had to pretend that you were only mildly impressed and quite board actually, I mean that was the only cool thing to do. So there we sat, Mats and I playing cards, a few others that only had bit parts in my life that year, and then there was a knock at the door. My room mate Anna says "Oh that's probably Henrik, he's another Swedish exchange student" I was of course single and always in the market for potentials... so my immediate thought was.... "what another Swede?, I thought Mats, Johan and Martin where the other Swedish exchange students.... are you telling me their is another one?,,, the lost Swede?!" And then it happened, she opened the door, I saw him, and from that moment life would never be the same, it was like the movies... full on.... stars, birds, slow motion, que theme music....what have you... but suddenly, I was on that tightrope.... high above the city trying to make it from A-B so exciting but terrifying, and I knew right then at that moment, if he would let me I would follow him to our life's end.

Jetlagged!

Well, I got home over two weeks ago, but my body wouldn't know that! I can't seem to get over this jetlag, and I am at my witts end! But today is another day a fight against the clock! I've had 3 and a half hours of sleep and I have to get the boys up and ready in an hour or so!
Going home was great, it was like a great seires it had a bit of everything, just like everytime family gets together, but the only difference was that I had the right perspective. I mean I just tried to savor every moment of it, and it made such a difference. Can you imagine if you could do that with life? How wonderful it would be right!
Well, I really do want to sit here and write something profound but it's much to early for that and I'm much too jetlagged to even try! I just want to say I'm glad to be back I missed my boys madly, but there hasn't been a day since getting back that I don't stop for a second, and smile remembering that trip!

What's your sign today?

September, is here and my flight awaits, the list of things to do, pack, and check off are too long to count, but they are all swimming around in my head! I've finally gotten rid of my guilty coffee and decided that, since it is only a week until I leave, I am going to savor the moments with my boys. Today, I had a great day, Robin came round for lunch, and as always we had a good laugh, and I see how the boys are so comfortable with her, they are going to get on great, infact she is going to spoil them, get them use to the good life... I mean come on, matching clothes, clean faces, seprate spoons, how will they ever be able to go back!

No, but in all honesty, thank you so much to eveyone that has read this blog and told me what I needed to hear, " you are not a bad mother for taking this trip on your own" I needed to hear it again and again, and finally it sunk in, and you know how I know? Well let me share.

Today, we were in the park and I was introduced to a friend of a friend and in the conversation that continued the Canada trip came up and as I have encountered in the past the reaction was "by yourself, won't that be hard"? And I got all Jersey in my head like "oah no you dident!"

You know how we women are, we read into things, not always what is said, but how it's said or what they didn't say, or what they should of said first. Well, at that moment I went into my freudian defensive speil saying how ohhh well if Henke were to go away on a course for 10 days no one would even comment on it. And then my friend "Miss P" said "it's okay to want to go, and enjoy yourself!", and suddenly it was like all of the support I've gotten from all of the beautiful women in my life, came together and I floated away! There I was off on my tandom...yadda yadda yadda, and it hit me....

If someone truly wouldn't want to do what I am about to do, especially a stranger, then the easiest thing to say would be,,, wow how fun and nice for you to get to see your family, hope you get nice weather! (sorry couldn't help to get that weather joke in, if you've read the blog you know what I'm referring to) This is so because it leaves them not wanting for anything right, but maybe they would like to be able to have 10 days of alone time, but they too, are drinking that guilty coffee, just like me, and their initial reaction is coming from their own issues and really they are voicing their own inner monolog without even knowing it. I might be way off, maybe that mom was truly concerned that I was going to have a terrible time away from my kids, and just thought she would warn me, because God knows I haven't even given it a thought right!

Then, tonight my cousin Chelsea posted an awsome video on facebook where they photographed mothers holding a sign, and on the sign was their answer to the question... "what would you tell yourself if you could go back just before having your first child."Many of the signs brought tears to my eyes, but one was so fitting for this blog it said "It's okay to want a break".... now I just want to write a sign saying I'm taking a break, I'll be back!